the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
