tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
