I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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