Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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