one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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