umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
