i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
