She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
