I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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