Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
