Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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