you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
