All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
