when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
