I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I think my moral compass just broke
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
