the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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