his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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