it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
