bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just invented taco cereal.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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