I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
