I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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