wakey wakey hands off snakey
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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