I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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