We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
