my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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