or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
