theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize