So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
