Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
