There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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