ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
