Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
