His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
