theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize