that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
