i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Can you bring me the toilet please
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
