Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
