I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
