I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
