I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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