community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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