Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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