In America we eat man semen.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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