I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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