Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
