Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Jerry, you need to find god
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
