I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
