You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize