You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
