Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
