i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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