the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize