Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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