my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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