All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
