I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize