Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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