there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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