I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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